Yes, you rock.  You are a unique human being, that looks, feels, smells, and sounds like no one else in this entire little thing we called the universe.  DO NOT compromise how special you are by comparing yourself to others.  Please please please.  You have no idea what that "skinny bitch" is coping with, going through, or has demons about.  Do not base your happiness on false assumptions about others.

Each of us has very special gifts, and we are here for very specific reasons. We each have a life purpose to fulfill and with this come the lessons that we must learn and the circumstances that we must go through in order to evolve as spiritual beings. To compare our lives to other pe! ople’s lives when we have no idea of what they are here to learn or fulfill doesn’t benefit anyone – especially you.

Instead, if we can accept ourselves, appreciate the special talents and qualities that we alone possess, and realize that each of us is going through certain kinds of experiences for a reason, we are less likely focus so much on what other people have or are doing. Realizing and valuing our uniqueness enables us to bring out the best in ourselves so we can get on with living rather than preoccupying ourselves with meaningless comparisons. Try to not compare yourself to others, and you will see how much you have and how special (how much of a rock star) you are. 

Most of us aren't aware of the chatter that goes on in our mind.  You know you are thinking most of the time but are you thinking about what you are thinking?  (P.S. The concept of thinking about thinking is called metacognition).  If you could be present to these thoughts you might find that a lot of what circles around in your mind is self-criticism.  "Why did I do that?" , "I sounded so stupid!", "I am always saying the wrong thing", "I always lose", "I suck at tennis".  And I am being kind.

When you examine the thought processes that go on in your mind you might see that a lot of your sadness, anxiety, frustration or shame comes from negatively thinking about what just happened.  This is a learned process and can be unlearned.  Most children are criticized by parents, friends or teachers, and even thought it might be very few and far between, these negative messages are imprinted on our psyche and shape how we think about ourselves.

So as adults, it is our job to stop the critical self-talk.  The first step is to catch yourself doing it (awareness).  Next you can find ways to combat these negative thoughts or reframe them in a positive way.  Basically, give yourself a break.  Be gentle with yourself.  Allow yourself to be.  Don's use words like "always", "never", and most definitely adjectives like stupid.  These are self-defeating words that just keep you down.  Mistakes are merely lessons learned and building blocks to a better self.

"Everyone makes mistakes", "I'll do better next time", "I know I did the best I could", "Next time I'll say this...", "Tennis is not my game but I am an incredible golf player."  Changing language changes thinking which changes the way you feel about yourself. 

And remember MY golden rule...do unto yourself as you want others to do unto you.

As a woman, I don't know one of us who is not concerned about her body.  Do you?  Moreover, I don't know one woman who does not dislike something about her body.  Some are vocal and some are not.  "Do these jeans make my butt look fat?", "I can't believe I just ate that, my thighs are HUGE!", "Black is slimming", etc., etc.  Most women are very self-conscious about how they look and wish they were smaller, tighter, thinner, less this more that, and so on. 

We compare ourselves to the other women in the gym, at work, on the street, where ever.  It is ingrained in our brains from a very very early age that we have to have red lips and slim hips, cat eyes and thin thighs, very thin with glowing skin.  We are inundated with messages from the media that 14% body fat is healthy (what we often see on models and actresses), when actually 22-33% is in the healthy range.  We diet and exercise in unhealthy ways, and then sit down at most restaurants that serve portions that are 2-5 times larger than a "healthy" portion.  This is the society we live in.

The GOOD NEWS is that as we get older, we tend to get more and more comfortable in our skin.  We care less and less about what people think about us, and we come from an intrinsic place of motivation (i.e. motivated by wanting to be healthier for ourselves).  We go out with no make up, hair in a bun and really don't give a rat's patootie if you are looking at us or not.

The BAD NEWS is that I know so many ladies and have too many clients that are in their 30's, 40's and 50's that are still feeling like they have to live up to some unrealistic ideal.  I say to them....you are extraordinary.  Who in your life told you that you weren't?  When were you given the message that you need to be different or change something about yourself?  Were you criticized by a parent, a teacher, a husband?   Ask yourself, your friends and your clients, to focus on their strengths, and change their thinking about what is ideal and what is real.

But I can tell you all day how incredible you are.  You just have to believe it yourself.

It's not that hard to figure out.   There are good guys and there are bad guys.  If you are lucky enough to be with one of the good guys, my question is....Why do we ever even cross that line of going from kind, sweet wife/girlfriend/loved one, to debating, defensive woman-with-an-agenda that needs to be right, right, right and put him in his proverbial place?   Why aren't you thanking your lucky stars every single day?

Maybe you have no idea what I'm talking about.  But I think most women who are blessed with one of the "good guys", knows that often we do our best to get under their skin, push their buttons, argue with them, offer an opposite perspective....with really no good reason.  We think there might be a good reason....but really...no good reason.  Yeah, you might think you're right, but, is that really a good reason???

My saving grace is to remember and think about what an amazing man my husband is.  Sure he has his flaws...but all he really wants out of life is to make me happy. MAKE ME HAPPY!!!!!!  I should be doing cartwheels, flips and jumps, shouting his name from the rooftops, writing short stories in his honor but still I find a way to be not as sweet as I know I should be.  Hopefully that is only about .09 % of the time but I cringe to think it is more.

Is this a woman thing?  I hope not.  Maybe its a Jen Yates thing.  I would prefer that.  But I have too many friends and too many clients to know that other women are doing the same thing.  "Abusing" their men.  Maybe that's how they dealt with their dad.  Maybe they didn't have a dad and are taking it out on their man.  Maybe burnt by a bunch of jack offs who treated them really poorly, and they don't know what to do with one of the good guys.  Maybe there is no logical explanation for why they feel that need to pick, pick, pick.

My hope is that next time you feel like harping on your guy for the socks on the floor, or the task undone, or the anniversary card forgotten, that you remember all the amazing things he does for you.  How beautifully he treats you.  And that you deserve it. 

Let's focus on the good, ladies.

You know the song.  Well, if you're under 30 you might not.  Anyway, as long as you are over 17, you may have some of the same thoughts as I do.

When I was 17...I couldn't wait to get out of high school but was completely terrified of college.
When I was 17...I hid zits under concealer and half of my face with my curly hair.
When I was 17...I couldn't fathom why I had to be home by midnight.
When I was 17...I had crushes on boys that didn't know I existed.
When I was 17...I did "drive by's" to those boys' houses to see if they were home.  Then drove on by.  Stalker.
When I was 17...I smoked cigarettes to look cool.  I wasn't.
When I was 17...I thought I was fat.  I wasn't.
When I was 17...I envisioned myself as a business woman.  Obviously I hadn't met me yet.
When I was 17...I was confused...about everything.
When I was 17...I knew my parents just didn't understand (shout out to Philly boy Will Smith).
When I was 17...I got drunk for the first time.
When I was 17...I had an incredible group of friends, some of which are still so dear to me.
When I was 17...I had big dreams and big hair.
When I was 17...I loved to read, dance, travel, be with loved ones, write, exercise, and help others. 

Glad some things never change.  And really glad that others do.

Every day we are faced with decisions.  From what to wear in the morning, to whether or not to take that new job and move across the country.  The decisions I'm talking about today are the ones that come into play in our daily interactions with people. 

I know you have been in a situation where after the fact, you wish you would have handled it differently, or better.  (Now I am not talking about where someone hurls an insult at you and later you realize all the 4 letter words you missed calling them).  An example would be: you are in a stale relationship that isn't going anywhere.  Its comfortable to stay in it, but you know in the long run its not going to work out.

So I ask you, what would your best self do?  I think Oprah has thrown this question out a lot in the past few years, but I have been asking clients this WAY before she brought that tall bald PhD guy onto her show.  Regardless, its a good one to ask yourself.  Especially when you have an expensive vase in your hand that you are moments away from throwing at your husband's head.

Your best self would nod out of the not-so-fresh relationship gracefully, and communicate to your partner your feelings about why you don't see it working out.  Without blaming or bad words.  Taking responsibility for your part and leaving the relationship with dignity, along with lessons learned from that person and experience.  NOT by saying "Its not you, its me", or some other cowardly excuse that will only leave you feeling badly about yourself.

When you act on what your best self would do, you come out of it stronger, imparting light on another person, and climbing that upward staircase of enlightenment.

You know the feeling.  You walk into a room and immediately there is a certain vibe.  Maybe everyone is chatting it up, talking loudly and cheerfully, and your mood follows that feeling.  You feel happier.  Or on the other hand, you meet someone new for the first time and they immediately rub you the wrong way.  They complain and have a dour look on their face and you walk away feeling drained, and maybe a little depressed.  There are countless examples.  Sometimes when I get off the phone with my mother I want to take a nap.  Ring a bell?

Some people have these senses heightened, and can easily let others moods' effect their own.  Then there are other people who aren't quite that perceptive, and don't realize they have a headache because they were just around someone who was angry and venting about their spouse.   Or on the other side of the spectrum, maybe you are aware that one of your friends sucks the life out of you and you avoid them like the plague.  Or when you leave them, you go take a nap.

Where do you fall in this energy-sensing continuum?  Are you aware of the "Debbie Downers" and the "Suzy Sunshines"?  How do people affect you, your mood and your energy?  Are you able to bounce back after your mood is zapped by someone or do you carry it around with you all day?  Try and be aware of how you are affected by others feelings and moods.  Any type of self-awareness is an exercise in mobility of the soul.  And we are all trying to become the best versions of ourselves, right? 

Now go take a nap.